Feeling Lucky

Crikey, not 'blogged' for ages!  Had some ups and downs in the past week - I'm not gonna go into them but hopefully things are levelling out again.  Those nearest to me have to put up with some fair old shite, and I'm very lucky to have what I have.

Enjoyed the meeting last night, and a really top fellow alcoholic gave me his number - not with view to being a sponsor right now (the S word wasn't mentioned) but you never know... I like the cut of this guy's jib - it's interesting actually, as he was at the first ever AA meeting I attended and he stood out as someone who I could connect with.  I believe it could make a difference having the ear of a male alcoholic, as the only sounding board I have is Pepsi; and for many reasons, that isn't always a good thing.  

Still not getting 'the Programme' and the 12 Steps (although, I have to admit that I am kinda starting to feel why they have such significance - there's a definite sea-change there); and I really don't feel any desire to scrutinise The Big Book - maybe it's arrogance, but I just feel it's not gonna tell me anything I don't know already.  Away from AA, I'm also going to study the SMART Recovery Programme - this is an online resource and a genuine alternative to AA.  SMART looks at the approach to sobriety in more of a scientific way (rather than 'handing over' your recovery to a Higher Power, you utilise many tools such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to take ownership yourself).  I get the feeling that for a lot of people, AA and SMART are mutually exclusive - I don't see why this has to be the case.  

So, got the work's Christmas Do this afternoon.  Meal is booked for 2.30.  Should be interesting, as I feel no desire to take a drink.  I really am going along without any trepidation - something I wouldn't have thought possible, even a mere 6 weeks ago!  I'm actually looking forward to watching folks around me progress into an alcoholic miasma - however, the novelty will probably wear thin, and as soon as the piss-heads start to annoy me, I'm off!  I should never be blasé about the 'danger' of these events - as they have tripped up so many souls in the past - but I just feel that it's a simple and natural fact that I don't drink.

Oh, and started smoking again.  Yeah, I know - replaced one vice with another! Well, I hate to admit it, but I'm bloody loving it!!!  Not good.

Here's the O, come back for the K later...

Yup, really do feel like my reset button has been hit and things can just move on again!

Went to the Thursday meeting last night and it was great!

Not enjoyed the last two.  Last week's shares really filled me with gloom and I felt utterly isolated (all of my own doing, of course).  One in particularly hit me hard:  A chap was saying how he'd been sober and in AA for 7 years and one day just decided 'fuck this!'. He relapsed, and lost his way for some time.  I just got this bleak notion that, regardless of what I do, how I feel, this was gonna happen to me!  It's inevitable!  No stopping it.

Maybe this was some sort of reality check; as I'd been feeling invincible and omnipotent - I'd cracked this sobriety thing, no trouble!   I was walking around believing I was brimming with electricity.  Well, they say pride comes before a fall; and this particular share symbolised the beginning of my stumbling.  I went from feeling that my glass was half full, to it being a glass of milk ...and that milk was seriously sour!

Yes! It's true

Anyway, no longer - I'm out of these local woods. Granted, I'm by no means on-top-of-world.  I'm not brilliant.  I'm no longer invincible.  But I'm doing okay - and okay will do for me!

So, back to last night's meeting.  It just had a real sense of positivity about it.  And at one point, I could tell Pepsi wanted to share - it can be a scary experience at the best of times, and as this meeting is so big, it makes it even more nerve-jangling.  Anyway, she jumped in there and what a share!  It was really lovely, and you could tell that people enjoyed it.  Do you know what? I've only known Pepsi for about five weeks, but I actually felt dead dead proud of what she did, what she said, and how she said it.  Not in a patronising or 'ah, bless' kinda way, but just in a genuine sense of 'nice one!'.

These are the kinds of things that make this road to recovery so very worth while.  How often do you get to feel a real sense of pride for someone who weeks earlier you didn't even know?!  How often can you come away from a group of people and just feel so ebullient by the words they say??  I have to admit that I'm not sure that the complete 'programme' is for me; I read and understand what the 12 steps mean, and what they mean to others - but I don't 'get' them.  Nor do I get their point as a means to my end.

But... all I know is that I get something from AA.  Surely, this is enough...???

Coming Back

Been in a troublesome space for awhile, so hence no out-pouring of nonsense from me.  But I feel like I'm coming back from that now.  Re-emerging from being lost in a dark wood that whichever way I turn feels like I've seen that tree-stump before, that ditch, that murky stream - but now, for whatever reason, I've stumbled out onto the road that will lead me in the right direction.  Relief is what I feel.

Don't really know what happened in the past week, my feelings have been very new to me and I've run the gamut of emotions.  They say that coming to terms with sobriety means coming to terms with the plateau - maybe I've just been searching for peaks and troughs; but I know I don't need them now.  Another thing they say about sobriety is that the good thing is you get your emotions back; and the bad thing is... you get your emotions back.  How fecking true!

Anyway, back on the right track and that's all that matters.

Reckless / Composure

It's pretty much consensus that there are certain things that alcoholics shouldn't do in the early stages of recovery (as well as get pissed, that is!).  I'll mention two things today - and incidentally, these are two things that I have either done or could very easily do.

Firstly, if you've read an earlier post, you'll see I've been in the pub at lunch (three times now) - granted, no booze passed these lips; but this, apparently, is a very dangerous thing to do in 'early' recovery.  When I told Pepsi, I got chastised with both barrels (what sort of bizarre metaphor is that?!) - she rightly pointed out that, although I think it's perfectly ok, and not a problem for me, I'm actually deluding myself.  All this will serve to do is reinforce old habits, insidiously planting old thoughts and compulsions in my bread-basket; until eventually I'll drink.  As ever, I reckon Pepsi is on the money, so no pubs for me!

Run at it! Shouting!

Secondly, don't make any big decisions or reckless moves in the first year of recovery.  Well, I feel like I'm changing daily - like I'm currently in some kind of chrysalis, metamorphosing into something else entirely (granted, this caterpillar ain't gonna turn out like a beautiful butterfly - perhaps more like a daft daddy longlegs, considering how bloody clumsy I am).  So with this comes a desire to be reckless, to throw caution to the winds, damn the world and damn its eyes, run at randy bulls whilst shouting... erm... and so on...

For example, I want a tattoo (in fact, I want a whole sleeve!) - I'm justifying this as I can use this tattoo as a permanent reminder of my one-day-at-a-time mantra, but I want something that also says who I am (although, I hardly know even that right now).  Again, I am told this is a mistake. But even though I probably know that this is good advice, I'm inclined to just go and damn-well do it anyway!

So, although I've not (yet) done this and other reckless things, the desire is there and it's gonna be one helluva battle if I'm going to contain these urges!  In all fairness, composure has never been my strong suit at all...

Undercover Elephant!

There are so many issues in life that we skirt over and pretend they're not there.  The Elephant in the Room, if you like.  Well, my situation has been one like this, but the elephant in my case is Hanna Barbera's crime-fighting mammal, Undercover Elephant!  The idea that an elephant can possibly disguise itself so as not to be noticed is ridiculous; and that's just it - how the hell could I not notice.  It's so bloody obvious, and having admitted to it; and now having acted upon it, I wouldn't want it any other way!